Hi! My name is Coco and I'm a mom. My journey to motherhood has been filled with happiness, love, excitement, and many challenges. From Trying to Conceive to Postpartum and now caring for my 2-year-old son, I’ve been seeking support to make my transition to motherhood easier. Here on Owemama, I share real stories, maternity-related tips and honest reviews. Let's navigate this journey together!
Goodbye old me
One thing that struck me after giving birth was how much I was grieving my life before motherhood. For the first time, I was experiencing unconditional love mixed with intense fear. That was my maternal instinct. It was well crafted to protect my son and provide for him at all costs. The responsibility for a human life felt immense, and I often wondered if I had the strength to create a life for him where he would thrive. I would compare my fears and responsibilities to my friends who didn’t have children, and I found myself grieving my freedom. I knew it was selfish to grieve my pre-mom era, one when I had full control over my time…then the mom guilt would kick in because simultaneously, I was grateful for my life, and it was all thanks to him.
I knew I had to be patient and that it would take time to let go of the old and embrace the new. But nearly three years later, I still wonder when… When will I have time to take care of myself? When will I have time to pursue my dreams? When will I find myself again?
The euphoria of motherhood
The day before I gave birth, I remember visiting a friend who was jokingly hoping my water would break at her place. Thankfully, It didn't, but it did at 2 AM that night while I was lying in bed. My husband and I looked like two toddlers on a sugar rush, pacing around the house, not knowing what to do. Finally, we called the hospital, and they told us to come in around 5 AM. So, while my husband returned to bed, I took my time—showered, washed my hair, shaved, and journaled.
We arrived at the hospital at 6 AM, and while I thought I'd be holding my baby in the next couple of hours, he was finally born at 10:06 PM. He was perfect, and so was I. The word that can best describe my emotion is Euphoria. Holding him in my arms after 9 months of pregnancy and 16 hours of intense labor was surreal.
We brought him home two days later, and it was no longer just the two of us; we had the most perfect addition to our family.
The unexpected challenges & isolation
Sleepless nights caring for my son and hormonal changes brought an immense fatigue that I never knew was possible. Since my husband was working and I was breastfeeding, we made the decision that I would be the one staying up at night. It didn’t take long to realize it was not sustainable. I still had to take care of my son during the day, and though I had help, I was not really catching up on sleep. I was mentally and physically drained, but his life depended on me.
I remember spending unreasonable time researching how and where I could get support. My husband and I didn’t really have our village to help us through this transition. Our parents and childhood friends who had children were all living abroad. And though we had a strong group of friends that we could count on, they didn’t have children, so they didn’t know how to support us. It was also our first time going through this experience, so we didn’t know what we needed or even how to ask for it. I watched as they continued living their lives - enjoying their freedom and achieving great things. Meanwhile, my world had turned upside down, and I felt isolated. It often felt like everyone was flying away to new adventures that I could no longer be a part of. I felt held back, and the mom guilt would kick in… again. Actually, that mom guilt was always there after each intrusive thought or failure, reminding me that I wasn’t a perfect mom.
All these emotions were intertwined and overwhelming, and adding a layer of immense fatigue often felt like it was too much for me to bear. Again, I knew I had to be patient and care for myself, but how could I when I didn’t have time?
Six months later, I was getting used to my new life. The newborn phase was over; my son and I had figured out breastfeeding, and he was healthy and reaching his milestones. Everything seemed great, but my fatigue never went away. It actually felt like it was getting worse. What was left of my mental and physical capacity was solely dedicated to my son, and I made sure I gave him all. Everything else, my husband took care of. I had lost all the baby weight and more, had night sweats, my hands were constantly shaking, and my heart was always pacing. I knew I was going through a hard time but I thought: “This is what motherhood is all about, right? - Running on no sleep, feeling constantly tired and anxious.” - I could have kept running on no fuel for a long time because I was in survival mode. I wasn’t feeling sad anymore because I focused on putting the little energy I had left into being a good and happy mom for my son.
Thankfully, one day, while we were on video call, my mother stared into my tired, bulging eyes and asked if I was experiencing any weird symptoms. I put my shaky hands in front of the camera and told her about my night sweats, my heart palpitations, my inability to focus or get anything done, my immense fatigue, loss of weight, digestive issues… you name it. Then, her maternal instincts kicked in and she insisted on me seeing a doctor. A few appointments and blood tests later, I finally had a diagnosis: Hyperthyroidism. Simply put, my thyroid gland would produce too much hormones, leading my body to run at high speed, which would get to the point of crashing without medication.
Grieving, coping and seeking help
My son is now two and a half years old, and I can definitely say that managing this illness while caring for a child, fearing for my life, having to go back to work, and dealing with my everyday life challenges has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I will never be the same woman I was before motherhood, and while I still grieve her today, I know a time will come when I’ll have my health and freedom back. Now, instead of asking myself when, a question on which I have no control, my focus should be on surrounding myself with adequate support to navigate this transition to not only survive, but thrive for myself and my son.
Motherhood is a complex journey filled with highs and lows, but we shouldn’t have to go through it alone. Much more needs to be done to support moms through this transition, and my hope is to fill this gap with Owemama.
If you or someone you know is going through a challenging time, seek support from your loved ones or health professionals.
If you wish to learn more about the maternity related services out there for moms, you can read my post: Guide to professional services: Helping you navigate pregnancy and postpartum
Coco