Dr. Ayita Verna, MD in Obstetrics and Gynecology
Before having kids, I never truly connected with or even understood some of the emotions mothers described, like the hurt and sadness they felt about returning to work after welcoming their baby… typically just 3 months in the United States.
Growing up, I remember my parents working all the time, so to me, a mother going back to work right after giving birth seemed like the norm. What I hadn’t realized then was how different becoming a mother and raising children is in Haiti compared to the United States. It wasn’t until I had my first daughter and was confronted with motherhood’s emotional complexity and the physical demands of being an OBGYN in the U.S. that I really began to understand. Actually, I had no idea of what to expect from motherhood. The only thing I knew was that I wanted to be a mom! No one ever sat me down for a meaningful conversation on things like mom guilt, the simultaneous joy and sadness, or the overwhelming mental load that comes with being a mom. Needless to say, when I began experiencing those emotions, it felt like the most isolating time of my life.
My daughter Maya was born six weeks early; therefore, she had to stay in the NICU after I was discharged from the hospital. I still remember the day we had to leave her there overnight, just three days after she was born. It would be our first night apart, and I can tell you, the pain of leaving her is still hard to put into words. It felt as though they had ripped out my umbilical cord. That night, I cried… A LOT. Her father and I both did.
The following day, I woke up and drove straight to the hospital to sit by her incubator. For eight days, which to me felt like an eternity, I sat on that chair, stared at her, pumped every three hours and started asking myself, “How will I be able to go back to work in six weeks?… how will I be able to leave her?” – Eight days later, she was discharged from the NICU, and six weeks after that, as planned and expected, I was back at work.
Still in residency, I started back on a gruelling rotation, working 90 hours a week for 14 days straight, followed by a weekend off, only to repeat the cycle. Because I was away all day, I felt I needed to be present with her at night, so I would wake up every 2–3 hours to breastfeed and then start my workday at 5 a.m. More than once, I got just an hour of sleep before heading back to work. Balancing that schedule while trying to meet her needs left me physically and mentally exhausted, and being away consumed me with mom guilt. With that guilt came this obsession to overcompensate with pumping. Then, I would feel guilty if I didn’t pump, which ultimately made me resent the whole process. I would later find myself in this vicious cycle of guilt, frustration and even intrusive thoughts. How was I supposed to manage this constant internal conflict between my love for my career and my desire… my need to be present for my baby?
The feeling of missing some of my daughter’s milestones because of the demands of my work felt overwhelming! Being a resident meant that I would potentially miss her first steps, her first words, or even just the small, everyday moments that are so precious in early childhood. Yes, it killed me every day, and it was hard to get over these thoughts. I remember crying to their dad, saying how she might not even recognize me.
Thankfully, I tried to adopt a better mindset when my second was born. But still, the weight of the guilt doesn’t just come from missing milestones—it also stems from worrying about the long-term impact on my children. To this day, I wonder: “Will they understand why I’m not there with them? When they grow up, will they feel like they came second to my career?” Rationally, I know my work is important to provide for my family, but those lingering feelings of doubt still creep in and compound over time.
The irony is that while I miss moments with my own children, I’m helping other families during theirs—guiding them through pregnancies and deliveries and providing care during critical moments. I deliver other mothers’ babies while missing bedtime stories, birthday parties, or even just family dinners. The emotional pull between these roles is relentless, and I often feel like no matter how much I give, someone always gets less of me. That toll feeds a constant sense of inadequacy, making me question if I’m doing enough—for my children, my family, or my patients.
On top of it all, I constantly compare myself to other moms who can be there full-time, have less demanding work schedules, or seem to have more flexibility. That comparison often deepens my guilt, making me feel like, despite all my love and effort, it’s never enough.
What I’ve come to realize is that finding balance is nearly impossible. Now that I’m no longer in residency, I’ve worked a way to create a schedule that allows me to be more present for my children. While I try to remind myself that I’m modelling dedication and hard work for them, the shadow of missing those precious moments still hangs heavily over me. For someone in a demanding profession like OB-GYN, I’ve realized that mom guilt will always be a constant companion. But instead of succumbing to the pain of trying to do it all, I’ve come to face and accept the reality that sacrifices will always be inevitable.
Dr. Ayita Verna, MD in Obstetrics and Gynecology and mother of Maya-Lou and Eloise