Sharing this Newsletter Post (Just this once!)
Why I’m sharing this newsletter (just this once)
This past Sunday, I sent out my weekly newsletter. The feedback I received was overwhelming as many people reached out to say how much this story meant to them; so I’ve decided to share this one here as a one-time blog post.
If this post resonates with you too, and you’d like to receive more personal stories (written by me or other moms) directly in your inbox, feel free to sign up for my weekly newsletter: Owemama Unfiltered. I’d love to have you join the Owemama community!
Reflecting on my journey to conceive, I remember thinking it would be easy. In Canada, if you are under 35 years old, the recommendation is to consult a doctor after a year of unsuccessful attempts to become pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for six months, and I had already lost patience. Despite tirelessly tracking my cycle and performing ovulation tests each month, nothing was happening. Confusion gave way to fear as I continued to see my period and one line on the pregnancy tests. That’s when my mind began to spiral, thinking about all the things that might be “wrong” with me — like my ovarian cysts that would often burst, my uterine fibroids that my dear friend Google said could potentially cause infertility, or even my family history of TTC challenges and pregnancy loss dating back to my grandmother (that I know of). I couldn’t possibly wait a year; I needed answers and a plan, so I decided to consult a private fertility specialist.
As my sister and I walked into the doctor’s office, a knot tightened in my stomach at the thought of him saying, “Come back in six months.” But within just five minutes of our conversation, he put me at ease with a simple question, “How is your stress level?”
It was right during COVID when my husband and I started working from home. Like many people at that time, it was hard to separate our personal lives from our professional lives. We were working long hours, eating and sleeping poorly, and it was around that time that I experienced my first panic attack. So the answer to his question was, “High...my stress level is high”, to which he calmly responded, “Ok, let’s start with some blood tests.” I appreciated how calm and confident he seemed to be. It was also a relief to know that the blood tests included both me and my husband because although he couldn’t be there that day, we knew that we were on this journey together and were ready to do whatever needed to be done. Just days after our blood tests, our doctor informed us about some of our vitamin deficiencies, how they affected our fertility, what supplements we needed to take and all the other lifestyle changes we needed to make. Nothing was promised but I could feel my stress level already going down. Fast forward 3 months later (9 months TTC), taking our supplements and taking care of our physical and mental health... and finally, one morning, there they were: 2 pink lines on my pregnancy test.
I acknowledge that my story pales in comparison to the experiences of others who wish nothing more than to have children but instead spend years trying to conceive (TTC), experience challenges with their fertility, are infertile, or live every day with their grief. I cannot pretend to know what it feels like because I simply don’t. The only thing I do know is that each person and experience is different. Some women forget to take their pill one day and become pregnant right away, which might or might not be a pleasant surprise. On the other hand, some women are experiencing confusion, feelings of fear, frustration and pain seeing their period or one line on a pregnancy test each month. All these experiences and sentiments are valid, and I think they all deserve their space. I also understand the sensitivity of talking about TTC, fertility and grief and why we become so reluctant to open up these conversations. The truth is, we are all scared to resurface a deep wound and expose ourselves or others naked with vulnerabilities. So these topics, often considered taboo, are shrouded in silence and secrecy. Unfortunately, it makes the experience even more isolating for those involved. Add in comments like, “When are you having children?”, “Time is ticking! when are you giving me a grandson?” or “It’s time for you guys to start having babies so they can play with mine!” either from family members, friends or even acquaintances, and now the guilt becomes intolerable.
Though I feel awful admitting it now, I plead guilty to teasing some of my girlfriends with the last one, “It’s time for you guys to start having babies so they can play with mine!”. I’m the first of my Montreal click to have become a mother, and though I’m not trying to make excuses for myself, I kinda am; the idea of my friends joining motherhood seemed exciting to me. But while I’m sharing these thoughts with you today, I can’t help myself from thinking: “Was my intention behind this comment purely innocent, a tease, or did it actually come from a... somewhat selfish place? A desire to feel a bit less alone in my motherhood journey?” Basically, what was my underlying message? I might be overthinking this, but I strongly believe that just a bit of introspection can make all the difference in how we show up for the women around us, whether they might want to have children or not, whether they might feel comfortable sharing their struggles while trying to conceive (TTC), whether or not they might be infertile, whether or not they might be grieving. My hope is that it pushes us to ask ourselves, “What does it really mean to be supportive during this time?” - as a mother, a friend and writer of Owemama Unfiltered, I wish to create a safe space where empathy, compassion and trust open the doors to vulnerabilities and deeper conversations. Though I am not a doctor, I’m in no position to give any type of medical advice, nor do I intend to. But I hope, through Owemama, to be a bridge to some of the information and resources you might need to make informed decisions and have a smoother transition to motherhood.
In the blog post “Understanding early pregnancy loss and prepregnancy counseling”, Dr. Ayita Verna, an Obstetrician and Gynecologist, shares some key insights on pregnancy loss and prepregnancy counseling, from two articles published by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).
Enter your email and sign up for Owemama Unfiltered here.
Coco, Founder of Owemama.